Understanding Difficult People

Hurt always precedes anger

Did you know that you are always hurt before you become angry? It is a fact of life. We may be hurt on our own account, or for somebody else who is being treated unjustly. We may even be hurt in the wider sense because of social injustice, for example a group of people being deprived of their basic rights. Were we to stay in this state of hurt for too long we could become psychologically damaged, so nature rescues us. We may experience feelings of anger. The anger then drives us to take action. 

Anger is a very important defence mechanism. Its value lies in the fact that it prevents us from remaining in a state of emotional shock. So nature rescues us by making us experience strong anger. As a result of this we quickly begin the healthy process of expressing our feelings - from 'How could they?’ to 'How dare they?’  So we can see the importance of good healthy anger to restore our inner balance.

2. Deal with your anger as quickly as possible 

If something happens to upset you, seriously discuss it as soon as possible so that you get it out of your system. The exception here would be when you are too upset to control your feelings. In this case a short cooling-off period is wise. As soon as you feel you can honestly express your feelings without going too far, then do so. You must pick the right moment, however. Once the issue is sorted out, it should not be brought up again. 

Trying to discuss things while you are angry enough to lose control may lead you to verbally abuse the person or say things that they will never forgive or forget. Besides, calming down a little means you are likely to get a much better response, as you can see things in a much clearer light. Physical activity - swimming, jogging, brisk walking or digging in the garden - will help you break the tension which accompanies anger. And you may then find that you have calmed down sufficiently to not lose control. If you are tired or under pressure, things are also likely to seem much worse than they really are. It is at times like this that we have to watch out that we do not over-react.

In most instances, however, we should deal with our reasonable anger as quickly as possible, so that we do not harbour it and allow it to build up within like a volcano. If this happens, we are likely to suppress it and withdraw from the person who hurt us and perhaps overreact to little issues at a later stage. We are then not only expressing the anger which is pertinent to the existing situation, but reacting to triggers from the past. So dealing with our anger, as quickly and positively as possible is normally a good rule to follow.

3. Direct your anger at the appropriate person 

Always direct your anger at the person or people concerned and do not misdirect it. A common way of doing so is to transfer it to another person or to an inanimate object. Beware of this transference of anger. This is another form of dishonesty. Instead of stating what you are angry about, you transfer it onto something or someone else. An instance of this would be where somebody at mid-management level in their organisation lashes out at the junior because they are angry at the way they have been treated by the managing director. They should have dealt directly with the latter, rather than transfer their anger to the junior.

Other ways people transfer their anger are by driving a car dangerously, throwing furniture around, bashing a wall, etc. This is, of course, a very destructive way of transferring one's anger and accomplishes nothing. It is important that we express our feelings to the person responsible for making us angry as soon as possible. This is the only fair and emotionally mature way to deal with powerful negative emotions.

 




Close Window