(Note: This book is based on my experience of life and the conclusions I have come to as a result of it.I touch on the spiritual, and as a Christian that influence will be obvious at times. I believe my readers deserve to know 'where I am coming from'. However, I wish to make it clear that I respect other people's beliefs, and have written this book in a way that is acceptable to all people, regardless of their individual spirituality.)
Before you make external changes, look to change within.
It is a useful guide to first consider whether or not we need to make a change within - usually involving attitude - before we make an external change.
Dan, one of my clients, came to me because he was feeling restless and was dissatisfied with his marriage. It had 'grown stale' as he put it, and he added that he had 'fallen out of love with his wife'. "So?" I said unsympathetically. He then added that he was very attracted to one of his new managers; they had already had 'working' lunches and dinners together a number of times, and he felt he would like to take the relationship further. She had indicated that she found him attractive, enjoyed his company, and would not be an unwilling party.
Dan's importing business was very demanding, and he was certainly experiencing considerable stress because of the long hours he was working. Coupled with this he had reached mid years, and was reacting to the desire for change and restlessness within that often accompanies this stage of life. Altogether a sitting duck for a younger attractive woman who gave him sympathy and attention, and also for 'the greener grasses on the other side' syndrome. The trouble is, people who fall for and act on the latter often forget that particular lawn also has to be mown.
Dan was about to make the biggest mistake of his life. So many people in an almost identical situation (and often in the same age group) throw away what is basically a good (if tired) marriage because they feel the impetus to make changes. I have frequently had to counsel them when they finally wake up and realize that they have thrown out the baby with the bath water by making an unwise and inappropriate change in their life. Only at this stage it is often too late and the rejected partner will not have them back.
Dan and I talked things through, and when I explained the above to him, plus the fact that he may well be going through a mid-life identity crisis, he looked at the picture through more enlightened eyes.
He decided to focus for a while on making internal rather than external changes, and worked with me on changing his attitude to his relationship with his wife. He also looked at what he was going through on a personal level as regards an identity crisis. After a few more sessions he decided that he had a basically good marriage, which had grown stale through lack of feeding. He asked his wife if she would be prepared to come along for some couple counselling, to see what could be done to 'put the life back into it'. She agreed, and the three of us worked together on the relationship for a couple of months. At the end of that time, things
had improved so much between them that Dan said there was no way he wanted to leave his wife and children. He is at this time continuing to do personal growth work on himself, and though he is experiencing a few humps, is beginning to feel better and function in a more positive way.
This is a perfect example where internal and not external change was the right thing to do. So often we rush into changing our situation when the real answer lies in adjusting our thinking and attitude. How many mistakes and how much suffering could be avoided, if we got our priorities right and looked to going down this pathway first. The aging process involves the stiffening of the body - don't let it also mean the stiffening of the mind.