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Are you seeking change?  If we’re honest, we all have things we want to change about ourselves or the way we live our lives. Perhaps you want to improve your relationship, learn to relax, conquer a fear, or gain more confidence. Iris Barrow believes there is a lot we can do to help ourselves when we’re seeking change or experiencing difficulties. There are times when we might need the professional help of a counsellor or psychologist. Whether we want to make change independently or work with a professional, there is a lot to be gained from self-study. Iris Barrow, a provider of counselling services for over 25 years, has developed a series of powerful and practical resources to help you make the changes you’re seeking. There are books and CDs (and digital downloads) on how to deal with anxiety and depression, relationship problems, tricky people, low self-esteem, workplace issues and much more. Contact Iris if you’d like help choosing the resource that’s right for you.

Words of Wisdom Difficulties mastered are opportunities won. - Winston Churchill We can’t always change our circumstances, but we do have a choice in how we respond to them. Churchill became a great statesman despite his speech impediment and bouts of depression. Michael J. Fox who has Parkinson’s, set up a foundation to find a cure for the disease. We all have it in us to learn and turn obstacles into opportunities. Whatever our difficulties, in the process of overcoming them, we often create new opportunities for ourselves.

Ask Iris I'm lonely Q: I am 25 and used to have a good circle of friends to do things with. That's all changed. Most of my girlfriends have boyfriends and don't call me like they used to. Sometimes I can feel quite lonely, especially at the weekends. Read Answer

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Life Skills

Grief - Moving on from heartbreak

Darryl was looking forward to his 35th birthday, especially as he was going to celebrate it with his fiancé to be, Kathryn. They’d been together for 3 years and he felt the time had come to formalise their relationship. He had worked it all out – a candle-lit dinner at their favourite restaurant, followed by a walk along the waterfront where he’d propose.
What Darryl wasn’t prepared for was a phone call from Kathryn a few days before the big day. After a hesitant and rather awkward start, she suddenly blurted out that she wanted to end the relationship. It just wasn’t what she wanted.
Darryl could hardly speak he was so shocked. In the days and weeks that followed he went over and over in his head every conversation they’d had, trying to figure out where he’d gone wrong. He was grief-stricken and wondered how he’d ever be able to move on.
 
The grief we feel when a close friendship or relationship breaks up can be overwhelming. We wonder how we’re ever going to be able to move on from the heartbreak. It can be especially difficult if we’re the one that’s rejected.
 
The breakup of a long relationship can trigger all sorts of feelings - of loss, sadness, confusion, anger and disappointment. We might also be plagued by self-doubt, as Darryl was. What’s wrong with me? Did I sabotage the relationship? Did I reveal too much about myself and my feelings? Did I choose the wrong partner? It’s healthy to look at the reasons why a relationship might have failed so that we don’t repeat the same mistakes next time, but too much negative self-talk will only prolong our pain and prevent us healing and moving on.
 
As well as dealing with our own feelings, we have to manage the responses and the feelings of others. Our families and friendships tend to become intertwined when we’re in a long-term relationship. Darryl dreaded telling his parents; they thought the world of Kathryn. Our social life may be affected as some people may ‘take sides’. Others may be upset because of expectations and hopes they had of us as a couple – a shared holiday, the prospect of grandchildren perhaps.
Darryl was fortunate that he had an understanding male friend he could confide in. Help can be very comforting but it can also sometimes feel like a burden. For instance, our friends and family may rush to support us when we’d rather withdraw and think things through on our own.

If you’re in the midst of heartache right now, I can reassure you – it will pass, as everything in life does. And there is always the opportunity to learn from our experiences. In the meantime, there are things you can do to ease the pain and speed the recovery.

1. Accept your feelings – it’s alright to grieve. We all need time and space to grieve the loss of a relationship. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, resentful. It’s important to be able to express feelings; suppressing them and trying to carry on as normal will prevent you moving on and could lead to depression.

2. Seek help and support. Most people are very receptive and supportive when you’re going through a hard time. Mostly what we’re looking for in the midst of heartbreak is someone who listens. We’re all different. While some people want to talk out their feelings, others may want to retreat for a while to process things on their own. You will know which strategy, or a combination, will work best for you. Seek professional counselling if you are not making progress.

3. Take care of yourself. We become depleted both physically and mentally when we’re in emotional turmoil. Take care of yourself – get enough sleep, eat well, take some exercise to boost your endorphins, do things you normally enjoy. Relax and be in the moment rather than worry about negative things that might never happen.

4. Move forward. Every step counts, however small. Get out and have a coffee with a friend. Choose positive over negative thoughts. We tend to gravitate towards our negative emotions so you might have to be firm with yourself and say, “Today I’m going to choose calm and positive thoughts over anger and negativity.” You respond emotionally to what you feed in mentally.

For two further strategies on how to cope with and move on from heartbreak, subscribe to my newsletter.

You might find my book, At Peace with Yourself, helpful. It explains how to bring calm and balance to your life. There are chapters that deal with issues such as owning and accepting feelings, and coming to terms with and working through grief.

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